Here's the link to the blog post I recently made regarding for the Global Brigades e- newsletter. Topic: Global Partnerships. Feel free to comment on the blog website or here :) http://www.brigadesblog.org/?p=1291
Also another link to an article I wrote a long time ago when I first started at GB regarding starting the Research and Evaluation unit: http://www.brigadesblog.org/?p=873#comments
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
My Job and a Lesson on Being Present
So to give just a little background information about what exactly I'm doing in Honduras this time around: I'm working with an organization called Global Brigades as the Director of Community Research and Evaluation. I work in all 5 of our disciplines in Honduras (Medical, Dental, Public Health, Water, and Microfinance) in building evaluation frameworks, strategic planning and implementation of needs assessments for the 120 different communities we work with, developing system for community selection, and then planning and executing baseline demographic health surveys in these communities. That way, we can have baseline health data to evaluate from after implementing all 5 programs holistically in a selected community.
That's my job, in a nutshell...and it changes with different needs along the way...
But another side-task I've been involved with recently has been giving classes at a school for young female domestic workers. We have started a new partnership with this project and have formed a new high-school technical course in Health Promotion. I've been asked to teach a few week-long courses in this program on international health/development NGOs including Global Brigades' work, as well as an "in-the-field" course on Research and Evaluation in Health-Based NGOs, specifically Global Brigades. It's been a cool experience getting to know these girls, their (somewhat difficult) backgrounds, but also their excitement for working in health in their country. Who knows, some of these girls might go on to be nurses, or doctors, or dentists...?
One thing that I have come to face with trying to juggle my own job along with teaching these classes in Health Promotion is that I find myself often jaded with these kinds of experiences. At first, teaching these classes was kind of thrown on me, as an obligation almost, which stressed me out and made me a bit resentful, which I'm sure a lot of people in the field experience. Why do I have to do this on top of everything else? I'm already burnt out! Needless to say my first class didn't go so well. As I came home, plopped down on my bed however, I thought, you have the chance to shape these girls lives. And you didn't do it.
I'm sure every teacher goes through this experience, and as you see the fruits of your labor in those kids, you feel that motivation to continue on...that becomes your purpose. It brought me back to last year, to a moment in which I remembered feeling like I knew I was making a difference in the lives of my workers with HIV, but deep down inside was worrying about one thing or another-my future, my friendships, my relationships, my career-and I wasn't fully PRESENT with them. I found myself doing that again...worrying about my own things I needed to get done with GB, with my own program development, that I wasn't fully PRESENT with these girls. I think that's extremely important and something that not only I, but a lot of people in the field do. We are so focused on getting a task done, or so entrenched in the work we are doing, that we don't take the moment to be PRESENT where we are. To have coffee with a community member, to smell the corn tortilla, to smile or greet your coworker in the morning, to listen to someone's story. I hope I can be more PRESENT to these girls as I continue to teach and build relationships with them. I don't know what my future holds after the next 9 months, but after having done this once, I hope to not burn out or worry about the future, but rather BE PRESENT where I am now...
That's my job, in a nutshell...and it changes with different needs along the way...
But another side-task I've been involved with recently has been giving classes at a school for young female domestic workers. We have started a new partnership with this project and have formed a new high-school technical course in Health Promotion. I've been asked to teach a few week-long courses in this program on international health/development NGOs including Global Brigades' work, as well as an "in-the-field" course on Research and Evaluation in Health-Based NGOs, specifically Global Brigades. It's been a cool experience getting to know these girls, their (somewhat difficult) backgrounds, but also their excitement for working in health in their country. Who knows, some of these girls might go on to be nurses, or doctors, or dentists...?
One thing that I have come to face with trying to juggle my own job along with teaching these classes in Health Promotion is that I find myself often jaded with these kinds of experiences. At first, teaching these classes was kind of thrown on me, as an obligation almost, which stressed me out and made me a bit resentful, which I'm sure a lot of people in the field experience. Why do I have to do this on top of everything else? I'm already burnt out! Needless to say my first class didn't go so well. As I came home, plopped down on my bed however, I thought, you have the chance to shape these girls lives. And you didn't do it.
I'm sure every teacher goes through this experience, and as you see the fruits of your labor in those kids, you feel that motivation to continue on...that becomes your purpose. It brought me back to last year, to a moment in which I remembered feeling like I knew I was making a difference in the lives of my workers with HIV, but deep down inside was worrying about one thing or another-my future, my friendships, my relationships, my career-and I wasn't fully PRESENT with them. I found myself doing that again...worrying about my own things I needed to get done with GB, with my own program development, that I wasn't fully PRESENT with these girls. I think that's extremely important and something that not only I, but a lot of people in the field do. We are so focused on getting a task done, or so entrenched in the work we are doing, that we don't take the moment to be PRESENT where we are. To have coffee with a community member, to smell the corn tortilla, to smile or greet your coworker in the morning, to listen to someone's story. I hope I can be more PRESENT to these girls as I continue to teach and build relationships with them. I don't know what my future holds after the next 9 months, but after having done this once, I hope to not burn out or worry about the future, but rather BE PRESENT where I am now...
back on track
So I realized recently that I haven't kept up on my blog in the last 6 months. After feeling sentiments of disappointment and discouragement (at failing yet another "journal"-like endeavor), I've decided I'm just going to start again. Anew.
I could try to catch you up on all the crazy experiences I've had in 6 months of my new job and life in Tegucigalpa...there have been many, between speaking at conferences, spending days copying health statistics in paper and pen, and very interesting car conversations with Global Brigades staff, along with personal let-downs in relationships, finding new amazing friends/roommates and enjoying incredible roof parties. However, the past is in the past. My new years resolution oh-so-long ago was to live in the present and do what I WANT to do. May seem selfish, but for a over-the-top people-pleaser...it was the next initiative I needed in my life. So, living in agreement with that, I'm just going to start from now. Skype me if you want to hear about the past.
I'll try to update every other week and I hope to keep this blog for interesting observations I encounter in the field. Living and breathing international health and development in Latin America. So...once again...enjoy!
I could try to catch you up on all the crazy experiences I've had in 6 months of my new job and life in Tegucigalpa...there have been many, between speaking at conferences, spending days copying health statistics in paper and pen, and very interesting car conversations with Global Brigades staff, along with personal let-downs in relationships, finding new amazing friends/roommates and enjoying incredible roof parties. However, the past is in the past. My new years resolution oh-so-long ago was to live in the present and do what I WANT to do. May seem selfish, but for a over-the-top people-pleaser...it was the next initiative I needed in my life. So, living in agreement with that, I'm just going to start from now. Skype me if you want to hear about the past.
I'll try to update every other week and I hope to keep this blog for interesting observations I encounter in the field. Living and breathing international health and development in Latin America. So...once again...enjoy!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Have a little faith in me...(lalala)
Written August 30, 2009:
I’m back in Honduras. Yes, it’s true. Not entirely expected, but true. And it’s been quite the internal journey to get here and it’s probably not over…
Honestly, I assimilated back to the States extremely well these last few months and truly enjoyed the time I was able to spend with my family and friends. I’m really grateful for that time and it has helped give me a renewed sense of identity and gain perspective on where I come from and where I’m going. Yet despite feeling that way, I still found it extremely difficult to make the decision to come back to Honduras. I was caught in indecision and insecurity. I was job searching and got a great offer in the States, but for a job that my heart wasn’t really in. Sure, I would be able to make money, live the comfortable cosmopolitan life, and stay “on schedule” for grad school. But deep inside my heart and mind, I knew the chapter of my life living and working in Latin America wasn’t over. Sure, it may never feel “over” after however much time I would spend, but I don’t want to look back on my young adult life and regret not knowing whether I could have or regret not taking the risk—the leap of faith—for an experience that could be so incredible, certainly memorable, and shape me both personally and professionally.
In my process of making this decision, after I had chosen, it seemed like everything I depended on back in Honduras was vanishing before me. Perhaps the political uprising in Honduras set the tone, as everything I found myself depending on started slipping away. The security of working part-time with my previous organization in order to make some extra income was later denied/postponed. Friendships and relationships that were important in my life here were now either no longer here (moved back to the North American world) or were here but on ambiguous terms, and I was distancing myself even more by moving to Tegucigalpa. These things were significant factors in my decision to return and provided me with some security in my decision-making; however they are no longer things I can fully depend on. That said, I’ve come to choose to understand that even if it were these things that were used to form my decision, and even though they may no longer be my securities or my stability…that’s okay. They got me here, and now, I am here. So I’ll be here, living for the present, to pursue my vocation and contribute my abilities to the door that has been opened for me and that I have chosen to walk through.
One anecdote to end this entry recaps a moment I had on the plane ride here to Honduras this last weekend. As we were seated in the plane, and getting ready for take-off, a huge storm came out of nowhere minutes before we started down the runway. I mean lightning, thunder, typhoon-like rain and winds. Incredible, really. As it happened to be, I was seated next to 2 older Honduran men who looked to me and asked, “Are you scared? Are you nervous?” “Well, yes,” I said, “I certainly don’t want to be putting my life at risk.” The older man to my left replied, “No, don’t be afraid, you have to…” “Have faith?” I chimed in. “Yes, exactly, you have to have faith” he said back to me giving the most emphatic fist pump motion I’ve seen in years. I agreed returning the fist pump. Then we both fist pumped together...haha. He continued, reminding me that whatever storms have come or are to come that lead me to doubt or indecision, or that will threaten my ability to take off on the runway, I will be able to navigate through them in faith…for peace and serenity are to come.
Some quotes I’d like to share from my new journal entitled “Serenity”
“There’s a serene and quiet confidence in knowing that all things do not stand or fall according to one’s own achievements or the correctness of every decision one makes.” –Joseph Sittler
“No matter how long we are on this Earth, the more we have to realize that life finds us living every day with the unanswered and the unresolved. Faith helps us to live with the unanswered. Hope helps us to live the unresolved. Trust helps us to accept…and go on with the work of living.” –Mark Connolly
I’m back in Honduras. Yes, it’s true. Not entirely expected, but true. And it’s been quite the internal journey to get here and it’s probably not over…
Honestly, I assimilated back to the States extremely well these last few months and truly enjoyed the time I was able to spend with my family and friends. I’m really grateful for that time and it has helped give me a renewed sense of identity and gain perspective on where I come from and where I’m going. Yet despite feeling that way, I still found it extremely difficult to make the decision to come back to Honduras. I was caught in indecision and insecurity. I was job searching and got a great offer in the States, but for a job that my heart wasn’t really in. Sure, I would be able to make money, live the comfortable cosmopolitan life, and stay “on schedule” for grad school. But deep inside my heart and mind, I knew the chapter of my life living and working in Latin America wasn’t over. Sure, it may never feel “over” after however much time I would spend, but I don’t want to look back on my young adult life and regret not knowing whether I could have or regret not taking the risk—the leap of faith—for an experience that could be so incredible, certainly memorable, and shape me both personally and professionally.
In my process of making this decision, after I had chosen, it seemed like everything I depended on back in Honduras was vanishing before me. Perhaps the political uprising in Honduras set the tone, as everything I found myself depending on started slipping away. The security of working part-time with my previous organization in order to make some extra income was later denied/postponed. Friendships and relationships that were important in my life here were now either no longer here (moved back to the North American world) or were here but on ambiguous terms, and I was distancing myself even more by moving to Tegucigalpa. These things were significant factors in my decision to return and provided me with some security in my decision-making; however they are no longer things I can fully depend on. That said, I’ve come to choose to understand that even if it were these things that were used to form my decision, and even though they may no longer be my securities or my stability…that’s okay. They got me here, and now, I am here. So I’ll be here, living for the present, to pursue my vocation and contribute my abilities to the door that has been opened for me and that I have chosen to walk through.
One anecdote to end this entry recaps a moment I had on the plane ride here to Honduras this last weekend. As we were seated in the plane, and getting ready for take-off, a huge storm came out of nowhere minutes before we started down the runway. I mean lightning, thunder, typhoon-like rain and winds. Incredible, really. As it happened to be, I was seated next to 2 older Honduran men who looked to me and asked, “Are you scared? Are you nervous?” “Well, yes,” I said, “I certainly don’t want to be putting my life at risk.” The older man to my left replied, “No, don’t be afraid, you have to…” “Have faith?” I chimed in. “Yes, exactly, you have to have faith” he said back to me giving the most emphatic fist pump motion I’ve seen in years. I agreed returning the fist pump. Then we both fist pumped together...haha. He continued, reminding me that whatever storms have come or are to come that lead me to doubt or indecision, or that will threaten my ability to take off on the runway, I will be able to navigate through them in faith…for peace and serenity are to come.
Some quotes I’d like to share from my new journal entitled “Serenity”
“There’s a serene and quiet confidence in knowing that all things do not stand or fall according to one’s own achievements or the correctness of every decision one makes.” –Joseph Sittler
“No matter how long we are on this Earth, the more we have to realize that life finds us living every day with the unanswered and the unresolved. Faith helps us to live with the unanswered. Hope helps us to live the unresolved. Trust helps us to accept…and go on with the work of living.” –Mark Connolly
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Limbo Period
Now that I'm back from Honduras, things have been somewhat transitionary...and confusing...
I did really well for the first 2 weeks in terms of culture shock. Got through family vacations, worked my way up to going to the grocery store and malls...I figured I could make the transition okay as long as I worked my way into American culture little by little. And I did well...until that one moment in Talbots when I went with my mom to get a petite button up shirt that would fit me for my birthday...and it just took me by surprise, after all I thought I was doing well! The pricetag showing the equivalent of a third of my worker's monthly salary...the fact that I was buying the perfect petite button up shirt that fit me by height and bust so that I would look impeccably put together mixed with visions of Dona Perse in her "sexy" (yet entirely way too tight and certainly not "tailored to fit") sequence red dress matched with black heels 2 sizes too big. It hit me hard, unexpectedly, and I left the store in tears while my mom paid the birthday bill. I felt terrible for making her feel bad, and for probably making the retail ladies feel really uncomfortable. But, the tears had to come sometime...and they weren't just tears of "culture shock." They were tears of letting go, of recognizing where my next step might or might not be, of cherishing a time of my life in which I encountered faces and voices different from my own, of trying to cope with a bitter understanding of the realities of this world, and of struggling to define and discern the overlap in my own juxtapositional reality.
I did really well for the first 2 weeks in terms of culture shock. Got through family vacations, worked my way up to going to the grocery store and malls...I figured I could make the transition okay as long as I worked my way into American culture little by little. And I did well...until that one moment in Talbots when I went with my mom to get a petite button up shirt that would fit me for my birthday...and it just took me by surprise, after all I thought I was doing well! The pricetag showing the equivalent of a third of my worker's monthly salary...the fact that I was buying the perfect petite button up shirt that fit me by height and bust so that I would look impeccably put together mixed with visions of Dona Perse in her "sexy" (yet entirely way too tight and certainly not "tailored to fit") sequence red dress matched with black heels 2 sizes too big. It hit me hard, unexpectedly, and I left the store in tears while my mom paid the birthday bill. I felt terrible for making her feel bad, and for probably making the retail ladies feel really uncomfortable. But, the tears had to come sometime...and they weren't just tears of "culture shock." They were tears of letting go, of recognizing where my next step might or might not be, of cherishing a time of my life in which I encountered faces and voices different from my own, of trying to cope with a bitter understanding of the realities of this world, and of struggling to define and discern the overlap in my own juxtapositional reality.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Ok, I'm terrible at even catching you up. So, here's the brief summary that I wanted to share days ago:
April 17-26: Emily and Anna come to visit!!! It was so amazing having them here and it was a time that I really needed to get some perspective on my life. I had just come back from the DR from my host sister's wedding and then the half-Framily came from Wisconsin to enjoy my world here in Honduras. It was a bit of a surreal worlds clashing kind of experience, but I've been in that world before and this time it was so wonderful to share a part of my life that they have never gotten to see in vivo. Thanks for coming Anna and Em--it meant a lot to me! :)
The only bad part of their trip was getting robbed. To make a very long story short...our hostel room got broken into by a drug dealer in Copan and stole a LOT of expensive items and money. Then pretty much the whole city got involved to find this guy and they did...but it was a very convoluted situation. We had already left Copan when we found out they found him and our stuff, so I when I dropped Anna and Emily off for their flight home, I went back to Copan to retrieve our stuff. After fighting cops who insisted I have my receipts to recollect the items (seriously?? How would I have my receipts from the States 5 years ago on me???). During this argument, they pull me aside to the filing cabinet to identify the items, and I, like an idiot, left my backpack in the chief's office (thinking that I was safe at the police station, of course.) Well, it wasn't. Between getting to the police office and going to lunch after my camera with ALLLL my pictures from the DR and the Media-Framigas visit was not there--aka stolen by the police. And I didn't even get my stuff back. I went back the next, they had to change the report so I could get my stuff back, but they had stolen my camera meanwhile!!! I was so livid!!!!! I went back the next day, sooooo upset and frustrated, and ready to fight to get our stuff back--receipts or not. By the end, I was able to get the things that were stolen back but not the camera...and while I wanted to accuse and fight for my camera they--the police!--had stolen, there were a few things that made me decide not to put up the fight. First, as I'm getting so angry in the chief's office about getting my camera back, I look over to my side and there's a women sitting in a chair with her arm in a sling and a black eye making a domestic violence report. My soul was stabbed. What is a camera, really? Sure, it's justice that I was fighting for, but...there are worse things in the world...things that political justice can't even solve. Secondly, I found out the back history on the robber, and slowly began to put the pieces together. He's involved in the drug ring of Copan and now imprisoned (because of MY police report) with drug dealers trying to bail him out to kill him supposedly....and he's also in cahoots with a few high-up police officers to get paid to steal and give the stuff to the police to sell. So...as I thought about all those powerful and scary drug and delincuence networks...and began to realize that they know where I live and my phone number and my passport number (after all, I had made the police report), I figured maybe my safety was a little more important than a camera. So, I made the decision, gulped down my pride and retracted myself from getting any more involved.
May 5-26: At this point I was looking for jobs both in Honduras and the States. I had some good leads in Tegucigalpa and I think it would be a really great move there. I have a lot of friends there, and some jobs leads that would be really interesting...one at the National Institute for Women in the Gender and Health department and another with Public Health Brigades. There was also an apartment that opened up in Teguc right across from my friends which was so exciting I could FEEL the move. Now with a little bit more of perspective throughout May, there are opportunities still in the process and there are no for sure answers. I want a new professional adventure, but in a place I'm somewhat familiar with. It would be a great move, to be in a place where I know people, but learning a new job and a new environment. However, I'm still waiting...being patient for God to reveal his plan. Things aren't coming together as quickly as I would have liked or with as much conviction as I would have liked....but I know that it will work out...wherever I end up. And for now, I'm just paying my respects to all I have experienced this year, packing up, and going home to get reconnected with the people I love and who support me the most...mi familia. And maybe once I have a little more perspective States-side and in my home, I'll be able to know with confidence my next step and be prepared to embrace it.
early June: Still a little anxious about future-stuff, but just trying to be patient and let my faith lead me through in a time of unknown and waiting. In the meantime...it's been good that some little things about Latin culture are really starting to get to me. I don't think I can possible see another person throw a Coke bottle or chip bag out the window of a bus without any concern for the environment. I can't STAND it..and it's really making me be ready to be back in a culture that is significantly better at trying to be aware of environmental concerns. I might just flip out on the next person I see litter...I've already gotten into heated discussions with people on busses and it's now at its peak. It's just such a disrespect for someone's country. It's like saying, I don't care what my town or country looks like, if there's trash everywhere, if animals start dying off in the lake, or the lake because so contaminated because of my disinterest and lack of respect for it's wellbeing and beauty. Also, cars passing people on the street so fast that if one movement happened to be wrong they would instantly kill the person. I've had a coworker and myself get hit by a car this year...it happens. And the fact that people drive with no consciousness of pedestrians or respect of other people or vehicles near them, they just drive fast and out of control....ahhhhh its really getting to me. Another demonstration of disrespect, I feel. But, they are cultural differences that I've had to deal with and have tried to create consciousness among Honduras I know in order to attempt a little behavior change. It is good though, to help make me realize the things I appreciate about my country and look forward to returning. :) Oh so soon!!
April 17-26: Emily and Anna come to visit!!! It was so amazing having them here and it was a time that I really needed to get some perspective on my life. I had just come back from the DR from my host sister's wedding and then the half-Framily came from Wisconsin to enjoy my world here in Honduras. It was a bit of a surreal worlds clashing kind of experience, but I've been in that world before and this time it was so wonderful to share a part of my life that they have never gotten to see in vivo. Thanks for coming Anna and Em--it meant a lot to me! :)
The only bad part of their trip was getting robbed. To make a very long story short...our hostel room got broken into by a drug dealer in Copan and stole a LOT of expensive items and money. Then pretty much the whole city got involved to find this guy and they did...but it was a very convoluted situation. We had already left Copan when we found out they found him and our stuff, so I when I dropped Anna and Emily off for their flight home, I went back to Copan to retrieve our stuff. After fighting cops who insisted I have my receipts to recollect the items (seriously?? How would I have my receipts from the States 5 years ago on me???). During this argument, they pull me aside to the filing cabinet to identify the items, and I, like an idiot, left my backpack in the chief's office (thinking that I was safe at the police station, of course.) Well, it wasn't. Between getting to the police office and going to lunch after my camera with ALLLL my pictures from the DR and the Media-Framigas visit was not there--aka stolen by the police. And I didn't even get my stuff back. I went back the next, they had to change the report so I could get my stuff back, but they had stolen my camera meanwhile!!! I was so livid!!!!! I went back the next day, sooooo upset and frustrated, and ready to fight to get our stuff back--receipts or not. By the end, I was able to get the things that were stolen back but not the camera...and while I wanted to accuse and fight for my camera they--the police!--had stolen, there were a few things that made me decide not to put up the fight. First, as I'm getting so angry in the chief's office about getting my camera back, I look over to my side and there's a women sitting in a chair with her arm in a sling and a black eye making a domestic violence report. My soul was stabbed. What is a camera, really? Sure, it's justice that I was fighting for, but...there are worse things in the world...things that political justice can't even solve. Secondly, I found out the back history on the robber, and slowly began to put the pieces together. He's involved in the drug ring of Copan and now imprisoned (because of MY police report) with drug dealers trying to bail him out to kill him supposedly....and he's also in cahoots with a few high-up police officers to get paid to steal and give the stuff to the police to sell. So...as I thought about all those powerful and scary drug and delincuence networks...and began to realize that they know where I live and my phone number and my passport number (after all, I had made the police report), I figured maybe my safety was a little more important than a camera. So, I made the decision, gulped down my pride and retracted myself from getting any more involved.
May 5-26: At this point I was looking for jobs both in Honduras and the States. I had some good leads in Tegucigalpa and I think it would be a really great move there. I have a lot of friends there, and some jobs leads that would be really interesting...one at the National Institute for Women in the Gender and Health department and another with Public Health Brigades. There was also an apartment that opened up in Teguc right across from my friends which was so exciting I could FEEL the move. Now with a little bit more of perspective throughout May, there are opportunities still in the process and there are no for sure answers. I want a new professional adventure, but in a place I'm somewhat familiar with. It would be a great move, to be in a place where I know people, but learning a new job and a new environment. However, I'm still waiting...being patient for God to reveal his plan. Things aren't coming together as quickly as I would have liked or with as much conviction as I would have liked....but I know that it will work out...wherever I end up. And for now, I'm just paying my respects to all I have experienced this year, packing up, and going home to get reconnected with the people I love and who support me the most...mi familia. And maybe once I have a little more perspective States-side and in my home, I'll be able to know with confidence my next step and be prepared to embrace it.
early June: Still a little anxious about future-stuff, but just trying to be patient and let my faith lead me through in a time of unknown and waiting. In the meantime...it's been good that some little things about Latin culture are really starting to get to me. I don't think I can possible see another person throw a Coke bottle or chip bag out the window of a bus without any concern for the environment. I can't STAND it..and it's really making me be ready to be back in a culture that is significantly better at trying to be aware of environmental concerns. I might just flip out on the next person I see litter...I've already gotten into heated discussions with people on busses and it's now at its peak. It's just such a disrespect for someone's country. It's like saying, I don't care what my town or country looks like, if there's trash everywhere, if animals start dying off in the lake, or the lake because so contaminated because of my disinterest and lack of respect for it's wellbeing and beauty. Also, cars passing people on the street so fast that if one movement happened to be wrong they would instantly kill the person. I've had a coworker and myself get hit by a car this year...it happens. And the fact that people drive with no consciousness of pedestrians or respect of other people or vehicles near them, they just drive fast and out of control....ahhhhh its really getting to me. Another demonstration of disrespect, I feel. But, they are cultural differences that I've had to deal with and have tried to create consciousness among Honduras I know in order to attempt a little behavior change. It is good though, to help make me realize the things I appreciate about my country and look forward to returning. :) Oh so soon!!
Friday, May 22, 2009
life is a highway, im gonna ride it
Yes I’m alive and well! And, well well, not well bad. Ok that was a Honduran Spanish joke…sorry. Anyhow, I realized I haven’t blogged for the last 6 weeks and I’m sure I’ve let a lot of you down…especially because these last 6 weeks have been FILLED with revelations, struggles, uncomfortable situations, and new decisions. For that reason, over the next few days, I’m going to write a blog for each of the last 6 weeks (more or less) highlighting and reflecting on important things that have happened. So, you’ll have to scroll down for each entry, but that way you’ll be caught up on most everything…without having to read one monstrous blog. Ok, let’s start with early-mid April…
April 1-8: To give a little reference and conclusion to my last blog, part of what I was referring to in allowing myself to be vulnerable began with my time in the Dominican Republic, where I had to deal with a lot of things from my past there, most centrally in coping with the disappointments of not being able to realize my dreams and passions there. It was like an uncomfortable pain that persisted throughout my trip there because I realized that this was the first place for me that was filled with passion-the language, the people, the landscape, the air…everything. It was a place for me, that inspired in me my passion for public health and Latin America, and I realized that while I’ve loved Honduras and it has been so good to me, I’ve been living there this entire time not thinking “Oh, yay, Honduras, a new place, a new adventure” but rather “It’s not the DR.” In my time visiting the DR, I had to understand and forgive the fact that the dreams I had had to come back to that place, and the work I had done for a year to research and write grants for Fulbright and other scholarships, though always got to a top candidate status, had been major disappointments when they didn’t come through in the end. But I never had a chance to deal with those disappointments and return to the DR to close that chapter in my life because this opportunity in Honduras came about and before I could cope and move on, I had to be in Honduras…starting the new chapter. Because of my personality and passion, I jumped on the chance to go to Honduras. A week after graduating I was in CA for training and then off to San Pedro. And now, almost 10 months later, I finally had the chance (be it a wedding for my host sister) to go back and confront the disappointments, while being able to maintain the relationships with people and organizations that were the primary inspirations to my direction and passion in my life. I spent two weeks there, probably too long of a time, but by the end, I was ready to go to Honduras. I was ready to close that chapter and continue writing the Honduras chapter of my life. I got back and as I was on a bus for Siguatepeque the next day, I remember looking at the bus terminal and just feeling at home, so comfortable. A little sad that the San Pedro bus terminal reminded me of home since I travel so much I’m in there all the time, but it is what triggered the emotion. Haha. I’ve seen some tough stuff in the weeks since then, but maybe that’s just the beginning on me really learning to live in HONDURAS, with its own unique attributes and its own capacity to love and inspire me.
April 9-17: Well….April 9, really. I get hit by a truck while running outside. Yep. Can you believe it? It’s true though. I was running along el “21,” one of the major (i.e. one of the only paved streets) in Siguatepeque and there were 4 cars illegally parked, so I had to go into the street and though I looked both ways and didn’t see anything, as I entered in, there it was, a truck going about 35mph about 2 feet in front of me. I had seconds to react and tried backing up, but I more had the shock of “Holy crap, I’m going to get hit by a car!” It tried to break but was too close; it still hit my leg and I fell back on my hands and knees. I was definitely in shock and started getting really embarrassed when everyone in the car (and everyone in any surrounding comedor restaurant) came out to see what happened/how I was. I freaked out, got up, could easily walk, so I told them I was sorry, that I was okay, that I was going to be fine and then I went on my way as fast as possible. Honestly, I was more embarrassed that I, la gringa, Johanna Chapin, got hit by a car. I walked home and while I was sore and had some bumps and bruises, I was totally fine and didn’t feel it necessary to see a doctor. I then realized that I was speaking English the entire time with the people on the street, so they probably didn’t even understand me say that I’ll be okay…until of course I walked away in tears like a crazy person.
Moral of the story? Don’t run outside on the 21. No actually, the moral and after-thought is much bigger than that. Truthfully, that entire day I had off work because of Semana Santa (Holy Week) and I spent the day sitting on my computer in my apartment job searching. Worrying. Wondering. What do I do next? What does my future hold? Where am I going next? How do I get there? What’s waiting for me? As I walked back from getting hit, the tears started flowing a bit, I said a little prayer, and realized that I am HERE, NOW. Yes, I do need to be thinking about what’s to come and doing what is necessary to get there, but if I don’t LIVE in the NOW, HERE, I’m not going to learn and use skills to the fullest during my time with this organization or with this experience. If I’m here, then I want to be fully engaged, not worrying about my next step. Just trust I’ll get there, and that I’m being prepared for it while in the moment here, in this city, in this job, with these people. Though I’ve always disliked when people say “live in the moment” because it always just seemed like an excuse to be irresponsible or indifferent, but I’m realizing that in some sense, it is true and necessary because in any moment, I could be taken away. So little by little, I’m learning to live for the present and enjoy what I have in front of me...for as long as it is in front of me.
April 1-8: To give a little reference and conclusion to my last blog, part of what I was referring to in allowing myself to be vulnerable began with my time in the Dominican Republic, where I had to deal with a lot of things from my past there, most centrally in coping with the disappointments of not being able to realize my dreams and passions there. It was like an uncomfortable pain that persisted throughout my trip there because I realized that this was the first place for me that was filled with passion-the language, the people, the landscape, the air…everything. It was a place for me, that inspired in me my passion for public health and Latin America, and I realized that while I’ve loved Honduras and it has been so good to me, I’ve been living there this entire time not thinking “Oh, yay, Honduras, a new place, a new adventure” but rather “It’s not the DR.” In my time visiting the DR, I had to understand and forgive the fact that the dreams I had had to come back to that place, and the work I had done for a year to research and write grants for Fulbright and other scholarships, though always got to a top candidate status, had been major disappointments when they didn’t come through in the end. But I never had a chance to deal with those disappointments and return to the DR to close that chapter in my life because this opportunity in Honduras came about and before I could cope and move on, I had to be in Honduras…starting the new chapter. Because of my personality and passion, I jumped on the chance to go to Honduras. A week after graduating I was in CA for training and then off to San Pedro. And now, almost 10 months later, I finally had the chance (be it a wedding for my host sister) to go back and confront the disappointments, while being able to maintain the relationships with people and organizations that were the primary inspirations to my direction and passion in my life. I spent two weeks there, probably too long of a time, but by the end, I was ready to go to Honduras. I was ready to close that chapter and continue writing the Honduras chapter of my life. I got back and as I was on a bus for Siguatepeque the next day, I remember looking at the bus terminal and just feeling at home, so comfortable. A little sad that the San Pedro bus terminal reminded me of home since I travel so much I’m in there all the time, but it is what triggered the emotion. Haha. I’ve seen some tough stuff in the weeks since then, but maybe that’s just the beginning on me really learning to live in HONDURAS, with its own unique attributes and its own capacity to love and inspire me.
April 9-17: Well….April 9, really. I get hit by a truck while running outside. Yep. Can you believe it? It’s true though. I was running along el “21,” one of the major (i.e. one of the only paved streets) in Siguatepeque and there were 4 cars illegally parked, so I had to go into the street and though I looked both ways and didn’t see anything, as I entered in, there it was, a truck going about 35mph about 2 feet in front of me. I had seconds to react and tried backing up, but I more had the shock of “Holy crap, I’m going to get hit by a car!” It tried to break but was too close; it still hit my leg and I fell back on my hands and knees. I was definitely in shock and started getting really embarrassed when everyone in the car (and everyone in any surrounding comedor restaurant) came out to see what happened/how I was. I freaked out, got up, could easily walk, so I told them I was sorry, that I was okay, that I was going to be fine and then I went on my way as fast as possible. Honestly, I was more embarrassed that I, la gringa, Johanna Chapin, got hit by a car. I walked home and while I was sore and had some bumps and bruises, I was totally fine and didn’t feel it necessary to see a doctor. I then realized that I was speaking English the entire time with the people on the street, so they probably didn’t even understand me say that I’ll be okay…until of course I walked away in tears like a crazy person.
Moral of the story? Don’t run outside on the 21. No actually, the moral and after-thought is much bigger than that. Truthfully, that entire day I had off work because of Semana Santa (Holy Week) and I spent the day sitting on my computer in my apartment job searching. Worrying. Wondering. What do I do next? What does my future hold? Where am I going next? How do I get there? What’s waiting for me? As I walked back from getting hit, the tears started flowing a bit, I said a little prayer, and realized that I am HERE, NOW. Yes, I do need to be thinking about what’s to come and doing what is necessary to get there, but if I don’t LIVE in the NOW, HERE, I’m not going to learn and use skills to the fullest during my time with this organization or with this experience. If I’m here, then I want to be fully engaged, not worrying about my next step. Just trust I’ll get there, and that I’m being prepared for it while in the moment here, in this city, in this job, with these people. Though I’ve always disliked when people say “live in the moment” because it always just seemed like an excuse to be irresponsible or indifferent, but I’m realizing that in some sense, it is true and necessary because in any moment, I could be taken away. So little by little, I’m learning to live for the present and enjoy what I have in front of me...for as long as it is in front of me.
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